the never titled
by Imaginarivalued
Summary: Prepare for the epic showdown! There are no words! What is this I don't even. -Spoilers ? for chapter 589.


Itachi lurched forward as a beams of light nearly engulfed his entire being. "There's still time…"

He settled a hand on Sasuke's shoulder as the Endo Tensei began to end. "There's still time, Sasuke. Stop being a complete douchebag," he said, smiling, which was a good thing, because if Seto Kaiba smiling is the puppy apocalypse, then Uchiha Itachi smiling is like the samsara of heavenly youtube puppy videos and resurrections.

"No, Nii-san," said Sasuke, eyes dark. "As your younger brother who understands you, I cannot hold back my hatred for Konoha. It's because that I understand you, that I will destroy the village that made you suffer. Just as you're protecting the village, I will burn it to cinders."

Itachi blinked. "Wait, seriously? After all that, you're still going to continue to invalidate my efforts and wishes? You're a terrible little brother."

"But Big Brother," Sasuke whined, "what about my hatred for Konoha?"

"Shut up, Sasuke," Itachi scolded and promptly crumbled to the ground, the ethereal light still shooting out the back of his head.

Sasuke gave a manly sob. "Of all the souls I've encountered in my vengeance, his was the most…bishounen."

Then Itachi stood back up. "It turns out that I was just unconscious this whole time."

Sasuke gawked. "But you were talking and fighting and everything!"

Itachi nodded. "I was sleep talking and walking. But I still remember everything that happened."

Sasuke blinked. "But I saw you die in front of me. And you were supposed to be terminally ill."

Itachi shrugged. "I took some aspirin and nightquil before we fought. I'm all better now."

"Woohoo!" Sasuke cheered. "My hatred for Konoha is gone now!"

"Shut up, Sasuke."

The fully reconciled brothers gave each other manly hugs.

Kabuto got out of the Izanami loop. "Hey, Uchiha brothers. I'm not evil anymore. I realized the error of my ways and now know that the true path to enlightenment is to be true to myself."

Itachi nodded. "And knowing is sixty percent of the battle."

"Is it okay if I rejoin Konoha?" Kabuto asked. "Even though I'm completely grotesque and am pretty much half Orochimaru, I miss my never-before-mentioned-except-in-flashbacks adopted brother. I wish to experience true bromance like the two of you."

Before Itachi could answer, Anko, who was pretty much forgotten at this point, got up. "Well, as long you're sure you're not evil anymore, you can rejoin Konoha."

"Can I go back too?" Sasuke asked.

"Shut up, Sasuke," Anko spat.

Sasuke pouted while everyone else laughed good heartedly to the laugh track.

Somewhere in a random spot in Ame, a little dog burrowed out from the ground. "Arf!"

Outside, elsewhere at the sight of Five Kage battle, Uchiha Madara had summoned his ultimate weapon.

The Five Kage gasped.

"Go, Mecha Susano! Show them your power. Use your slash attack."

The chakra constructed mecha justsu raised its blade. "Susano, Susano!"

Mountains were sliced like cheese. Oceans erupted into tsunamis. Clouds parted like severed toupees of a middle-aged office accountant. Forests crumbled like decency in an anime convention. Somewhere in a different dimension, yaoi fan-girls conquered the world.

The Five Kage shrugged. "Well, we're boned."

Before Madara could order Mecha Susano to swat them like disobedient British schoolchildren, he fell to his knees as a pulse of light shoots up from his shrubbery head.

He gaped. "Well, ain't that an undiluted, crotch-kicking cop out."

He became dust and light the next moment.

The Five Kage cheered as confetti sprinkled. "Victory is ours!"

Elsewhere elsewhere, Naruto continued to face off against Fake!Madara/Tobi/Obito in epic battle for the fate of the world.

"Die monster, you don't belong in this world!" Naruto declared heroically.

"Muahaha!" RacerX/TuxedoMask/BobaFett laughed evilly atop of the giant demonic statue of the Outer Path. "You can't stop me! I'm invincible! Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"

"What? Hellnaw!"

"I'll give you ramen."

"Not good enough!"

"I'll give you ramen and a pack of Marlboros?"

Naruto's eyes sparkled. "Bitchin'!"

"No, Naruto, he's lying!" Kurama yelled. "It's a trap!"

Naruto balked. "That's so evil!"

shrugged. "I'm contractually obligated to be. What's your excuse?"

Naruto gritted his teeth. "He's just too powerful. How can I possibly beat him? What would the Rower do in this situation?"

Crickets chirping. And doing the Macarena.

"That still didn't help at all!"

"Wait, Naruto," Kurama yelled, again. "The well-choreographed dance of the aside joke has given me an idea!"

Naruto cheered. "Does it involve piñatas filled with ramen?"

"NO."

Naruto sighed. "It never does."

"We need to combine our powers! It's the only way to win!"

"Your abuse of the exclamation point fills me with vigor! How do we go about doing that?"

"The answer lies in the heart of battle! That which can be seen, but cannot be seen! The power is yours! There may be a day when the courage of shounen protagonists fail, but it is not this chapter! Believe in me who believes in you who believes in the shounen manga!"

"By the power of Ramen!" Naruto declared, holding the bowl of noodle soup liken to a torch.

Suddenly, multi-colored ethereal spheres burst out of the demonic statue and whirled toward Naruto and the Hachibi. In a flash of blinding light, the sphere merged with the Naurot, Hachibi, and the essence of the Kyuubi within.

"You know what to do, Naruto!" Kurama roared.

Awesome rock and roll was the sound track. Lightning bolts perforated the background.

"Yeah! Let's get wild!" Naruto laughed as he formed a seal.

"Shukaku!"

"Matatabi!"

"Isobu!"

"Son Goku!"

"Kokuo!"

"Saiken!"

"Chomei!"

"Gyuki!"

"Kurama!"

The souls of the bijuu twirl and whirl until they collided to form…

The Super Duper Ultra Shiny Mega Latex Sexy Hyper Mecha Juubi!

Naruto grinned from within the control room. "Go, Mecha Juubi! Level the playing field and sink his battleship!"

"NO, this can't be true! That's impossible~!" Vega/Paradox/Marik screamed.

"It's totally possible! Believe it!"

"No, seriously, that shouldn't be possible at all! This is entirely the wrong genre!"

"Road to Ninja, bitches!"

The two titans collide in epic battle the likes of which mortals haven't seen since Gurren Lagann. It was truly terrific, and not utterly disappointing, as the battle continued to ascend the scale of epicness that literally took them to the moon, because all great final battles take place on the moon. The battle was so awe-inspiring, that it was visibly detailed from earth by everyone who were fortunate enough to look up, and would be talked about and analyzed for ages to come. Months would the tale be tossed around bars at happy hour by men and women alike, all of them testifying to the greatness that was the last fight of giant chakra beasts and protagonist/antagonist that showered the sky with shooting stars of chakra and plasma. A truly great battle. Truly.

Naruto and Simon/Vader/WileeCoyote were suddenly back on earth without their awesome mechs. They were on a hill as Naruto charged at the villain for the final attack.

Everyone everywhere were at the sight to witness the final blow in well timing. The screen panel broke into jigsaw fashion as each named character got their final screen times to shout "Naruto!" in various ways appropriate to their character, all of which obviously were heard by Naruto, otherwise, what would be the point?

In slow motion, Naruto slammed his _totally unexpected _final attack into his foe: "Ransengan!"

"NO~!" The masked antagonist cried as he exploded.

Pop.

Battered, bruised, but totally okay with no permanent complications, Naruto raised a hand in triumph.

Everyone cheered.

As Naruto joined the crowd, he kissed his true love, Hinata/Sakura/Sasuke, in front of the entire group, inciting more rejoicing than ever.

Then an epilogue happened. A truly satisfying one that would become gospel for children and unemployed adults of all ages everywhere.

The End (!.?.%$%^^&*)

* * *

AN: I was…bored. Yeah, that's the right word. Written in twenty minutes. But the shame will last for the rest of the day.


End file.
